Solitary thoughts

Yes, I am in love with a person. But that person is in the past now. I'm probably not in love with him as he is now, or maybe I am, who knows. What I do know is that I am in love with the memory of him.

I never intended things to turn out the way it did; it was more of me thinking that things would be better with someone else. I guess you can call it karma. But do I regret breaking up? Not really. There are things I miss and I will probably always miss, and things I did I wish I didn't...but otherwise, I think we both turned out just fine.

It makes me happy to see that he has his own life, and I am quite happy with my own. He will always have a big space in my heart, probably big enough that anyone else I've been with so far has never completely filled. The more I dated, the bigger his existence was in me. The more I tried to deny my feelings, the more I locked myself away and mourned.

I'm still mourning.

I guess this is really what it's like to love a person. You cannot entirely erase their existence in your heart. There's always a special place where they will always stay. My feelings kept lingering on the way things were, because I know for a fact that it can never be like how things were.

It's been 10 years and I really wanted to move on. It's been so long since I've tried to regain this flame back, and he was gracious enough to let me try. Three time's a charm, they say--or so they said. The third time was him flat out denying me of the love I wanted from him.

God knows how much I cried and how much I've mourned, and how long I've been mourning. I guess I have to accept the fact that moving on is not as easy as the self-help books and what my friends say. I may act so nonchalantly about all this, but deep down there's always that persistent hurt that creeps up on me whenever I have time alone like this. God knows how many notes I've written and where those notes are right now. I don't even know why I keep writing...maybe I am secretly hoping that someone might find this and save me from this never ending spiral.

If in case I knew that he was going to be gone from me forever, I think I will break. Finally. As things are right now, I'm barely holding it together. I don't know how I would be if I finally break. I'm afraid to find out. I'm spending so much time and energy in trying to make a better version of myself to keep myself from breaking, I guess...but I just know that it will come. I just hope I can salvage as much parts of myself as I can.

For now, I'm still waiting. For what, I don't exactly know. I don't know if I will ever be able to break free from these chains...or if I have the strength to break free from them. For now, I still dream of him every night, and just wishing that things will be better.

I Still Love You

Now, before you say anything, please hear me out.

I have wanted to sort out my feelings for you for a loooong time. Loving, as I found out, is an alien feeling and I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

I broke up with you years ago, and tried to rekindle the same flame, but it's my fault for trying to find the same person I have been with the first time.

When we broke up the second time, I allowed myself to indulge in the comforts and pleasantries of dating. In that period of time, somehow I kept searching for that same fire when I was with you (which was very unfair to them...they gave me their all, and there I was, clinging to the past).

However unfair I was, I didn't stop--I couldn't. I had to somehow make that dull but persistent ache in my heart go away. I was so desperate to the point that I did many things I now regret just to make the feeling go away. I wanted so desperately to move on.

Every time I kiss a man...my thoughts would briefly remember you.

I have lost count of how many times I've tried to drown myself with work, alcohol, gaming, food, travel, flirting...I was to give just about anything to get rid of my memories of you.

But all that hard work was in vain--the guilt I feel when I think about you when I sleep at night and when I wake up while in a relationship with another man sickened me. I felt so mean and unfair.

So, you're probably thinking why I am telling you all these things, and why now?

I just wanted to let you know that I've tried my hardest to move on. I've done everything I could just to get rid of my feelings for you.

I know, as things are right now, I can't hope for another relationship with you as we both have responsibilities that tie us to where we are. Plus, I know that you no longer feel the same way. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that you have moved on. I am proud of what you have accomplished in your life so far, and I honestly pray that you find someone that would love you as much, if not more, than I do.

So yeah, the whole point in this is just me letting you know that I love you, and these feelings will always be with me. I will keep holding onto it, and will keep it in a special place in my heart. I promise that I will try my hardest to be happy, and will allow my heart to love, so it won't forget...even if it means I have to allow someone who isn't you to make me happy.

I will always remember the words you said to me, over the phone, in tears when we parted ways:

"When you feel the wind gently touch your lips, it is me kissing you, and remember that I love you."

I don't know what life has in store for me, or where it will take me. However, whether it be on my own looking out the window, or in the arms of another man...I will still be closing my eyes and keep kissing the wind.

Now I know How Being Grumpy Feels Like

For some reason, I'm not having a very good day.

...i should clean my room tomorrow. Hopefully that will take my mind off things.

However, I just got a half-free Starbucks planner. Thanks to my sister's friend who helped fill out the non-Christmas drinks (I don't drink anything but Toffee Nut Latte). So...sister's friend, thank you.

However (again), due to my foul mood, I ended up buying McDonalds for the kids because I just want fries.  BUT the fries weren't fresh off the deep fryer, so the trip home pretty much made them keel over. Still edible, though.

However (yes, again), I made Sinigang and it was quite okay. I didn't like how the gabi (too lazy to Google the English word for it) melted all over the stock and now it's all...soup-y. Meaning the stock thickened considerably. I used to like that, but for some reason I don't like it anymore.

However (for the nth time), I've been playing Jeanne D'Arc which was installed on my PSP by Katrina Yu Reyes (Yes, Kat...I tagged you because I want to be annoying). Pretty okay, but I can't endure the story and the script anymore (Start + 🔺 FTW).

However (shut up, it's my blog), I am also watching No Game No Life and it is very entertaining. I like how the anime incorporates mathematics (psh I'm totally lying, I can't understand sh*t about it but hey, it looks cool) and logic when playing games. Script is funny, too...but if you're not following Japanese culture you probably won't know what the hell is going on.

However.

This post shall end.

*grumpy face*

My New Year's Resolution

Note that this will be an ongoing list until it hits January 1st. :)

1. Let go of negative and loud people.  They are vexations to the soul.
2. Let go of people who do not respect you, nor have no respect for the feelings of others.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are not them for a reason.
4. Learn to stop and have a moment of silence and introspection.
5. Be kind, but also learn to be a blade that cuts through the heart if need be.
6. Rekindle old friendships. Apologize to those you have wronged.  Send thank you letters or notes to people you are lucky to have.
7. Spend time with your parents. They are growing older, faster than you can imagine. Make them smile. Tell them you love them.
8. Work on spiritual fulfillment.
9. Make yourself feel better.  Eat healthier.  Find an exercise that you love.
10. Fall in love and never apologize for doing so.
11. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made.
12. 
    

I Don't Want to Have Kids

I don't understand why people just won't accept my decision not to have kids.  It's always the "Why not?", "You're just saying that now!", "No...I don't think you meant what you just said." , among others.

Why can't most people accept that it's a personal decision?

"You mean...you don't want responsibilities?"
Why would I want them?  If I had a choice not to have that responsibility, does it make me a mean person?

"Isn't that kind of selfish?"
What's more selfish: have a kid when you have nothing to pay for their milk, or choose to spare the kid from starving?

"You have a career, you should be able to have a kid of your own."
Who are you to tell me where my money goes, anyway?

"You might regret it when you finally want to have kids but can't."
I'll cross that bridge...IF I get there.

"You have no idea how much happiness a child brings!"
Yeah, and I don't want to find out.

"Who's going to take care of you when you get old?"
Oh, so you are merely having kids to train to become your future wet nurses and caregivers? Interesting.

"You're still young."
Yeah, I know that.  I can count.

"But that's the only reason for being a woman!"
No, the reason why women are existing is for balance, awesome food, and to become a person who actually contributes to the betterment of Mother Earth by not having more humans to help contaminate it.

"But children are blessings!"
Not if I don't choose to have them.

"Maybe you're just not ready."
I'm probably more ready than most people.  I just don't want one.

"Who's going to continue your lineage?"
Pfft, haha. What am I, royalty?

.....and so many more questions that are just annoying.  Why can't people just take it as it is and move on? Why ask me about my life, my preferences, or whatnot?

So to clear things up:  I just don't want to.  There is absolutely no need for a special or traumatizing reason behind it.  It's a personal choice, just when you choose a college course or a career over the other.

Besides, just because a woman is traditionally thought of being a mother someday, it doesn't mean that it's the path for every woman.  Some people speak because tradition told them to, but it doesn't mean that they're right.  There are people who are meant to play a particular role, and being a mother is a role I chose not to sign up for.

However, if I (accidentally) got pregnant, I'd probably do a better job than most--but if I were given a choice, I choose to be single and enjoy a child-free life.

Week 12: Your lungs will regain the capability to clean themselves.

The part where it says "your lungs will regain the capability to clean themselves."

This is true.

I remember when I first quit smoking.  I was horribly sick and my throat was itchy as hell.  But I was told by the doctor that the cilia in my throat all the way to the lungs is "recovering", hence why the sickness is part of the healing process. (More information here.)

I understand that you have supposed "benefits" from smoking, but trust me, none of those are true.  Have you watched a documentary about drug addiction lately? What they are saying is no different than what I used to say when I was still smoking.

I used to say, "smoking helps me relax."
Well, so does a weekly massage, drawing/painting, reading a good book or just watching a movie.

"Smoking helps me to stop and think."
...I am amazed at how some people cannot keep quiet for once and just think. Just go to a quiet place and think.  It's that simple.  If you want, you can be a-la House, with a ping-pong ball.

"Smoking just feels great after a good meal."
Yes, so does sliced melon or honeydew.

"Nothing better than a cup of coffee and cigarettes."
Yes there is. Coffee and revel bars.

I'm not writing this to sound condescending or to look down on others that are still smoking.  I know what whatever I say will ultimately go down into your "decision box" as part of the things you and only you can decide on.

But remember, there is absolutely nothing you will gain from it.

However, if you happened to be the person to decide to continue smoking, I just have one request of you.  PLEASE smoke in one designated area and NOT ON THE STREET (while walking, along busy areas, etc.)  I would walk along Emerald Avenue or Ruby Rd. at the office, and before I could even get into the building I ALREADY SMELL LIKE SMOKE.

Happy weekend!  And stop smoking already.

Think before you fly out!

I read this post regarding some guy commenting about people expecting the government to fly them back in the Philippines when it was their own choice to go to the country they were in, and labeling them as "squatters", that they should do community service once they get here.

Okay, a few things.

At some degree, I can understand the guy's comment.  You go out of the country in your own volition; you should be responsible enough to be prepared.  That's why most countries expect people to have money in their bank accounts--because they need to know if you are able to support yourself when you go to their country or not.  Besides, a lot of Filipinos make the mistake of trusting too much that when they get there, they find out that they've been had by an illegal recruiter, or they find themselves in trouble.

I guess it all boils down to people testing the waters first before stepping into the pool.  In this age of information technology, it's your own fault that you aren't educated on what you need to survive.  The problem with most Filipinos is they are easily blinded with the dollar signs and the prospect of being around with "foreigners" (which I really, really don't understand).

But things happen, and even the most educated professionals have no control over them.  War happens.  Violence happens.  When the Fates decide to kick you in the shin you really have very limited options, and it's no longer an issue of pride--you ask for help.

The reason some people leave the country in the first place, is that they know they can't provide enough to make a living with their skills in this country.  Do you realize how underpaid our blue-collared workers are?  Other countries would pay them triple, sometimes quadruple the amount we pay them for.  It's funny, really--a carpenter here in the Philippines builds beautiful houses and buildings but their own house is a dilapidated box of mismatched items scavenged from construction sites.  Hell, if I were a carpenter, I would definitely go somewhere else where all my blood and sweat will be compensated.

But calling them "squatters" is something really uncalled for.  People do things for a reason, and as long as they are not violating any laws, they shouldn't be called as such.  (Yes, squatting is against the law, because you built your house on a property that is not yours.  I will stand by that statement, no matter how many people may get angry with it.)

To sum it up:

• If you want to leave your country, make sure you are leaving for the right reasons, and not because of greed and ambition.  
• Next, you educate yourself on what things to look out for.  Don't be fooled with "success stories" you hear, because everyone's lives are different.  What worked out for one doesn't mean it will work out for you.  
• Stop being envious of their new car or their newly renovated home.  
• But if you still want to take the gamble anyway, be prepared.  Never go out of the country without enough money to send you back!  If you can't afford that much, then work and save, and then fly out.