I Still Love You

Now, before you say anything, please hear me out.

I have wanted to sort out my feelings for you for a loooong time. Loving, as I found out, is an alien feeling and I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

I broke up with you years ago, and tried to rekindle the same flame, but it's my fault for trying to find the same person I have been with the first time.

When we broke up the second time, I allowed myself to indulge in the comforts and pleasantries of dating. In that period of time, somehow I kept searching for that same fire when I was with you (which was very unfair to them...they gave me their all, and there I was, clinging to the past).

However unfair I was, I didn't stop--I couldn't. I had to somehow make that dull but persistent ache in my heart go away. I was so desperate to the point that I did many things I now regret just to make the feeling go away. I wanted so desperately to move on.

Every time I kiss a man...my thoughts would briefly remember you.

I have lost count of how many times I've tried to drown myself with work, alcohol, gaming, food, travel, flirting...I was to give just about anything to get rid of my memories of you.

But all that hard work was in vain--the guilt I feel when I think about you when I sleep at night and when I wake up while in a relationship with another man sickened me. I felt so mean and unfair.

So, you're probably thinking why I am telling you all these things, and why now?

I just wanted to let you know that I've tried my hardest to move on. I've done everything I could just to get rid of my feelings for you.

I know, as things are right now, I can't hope for another relationship with you as we both have responsibilities that tie us to where we are. Plus, I know that you no longer feel the same way. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that you have moved on. I am proud of what you have accomplished in your life so far, and I honestly pray that you find someone that would love you as much, if not more, than I do.

So yeah, the whole point in this is just me letting you know that I love you, and these feelings will always be with me. I will keep holding onto it, and will keep it in a special place in my heart. I promise that I will try my hardest to be happy, and will allow my heart to love, so it won't forget...even if it means I have to allow someone who isn't you to make me happy.

I will always remember the words you said to me, over the phone, in tears when we parted ways:

"When you feel the wind gently touch your lips, it is me kissing you, and remember that I love you."

I don't know what life has in store for me, or where it will take me. However, whether it be on my own looking out the window, or in the arms of another man...I will still be closing my eyes and keep kissing the wind.