Yes, I am in love with a person. But that person is in the past now. I'm probably not in love with him as he is now, or maybe I am, who knows. What I do know is that I am in love with the memory of him.
I never intended things to turn out the way it did; it was more of me thinking that things would be better with someone else. I guess you can call it karma. But do I regret breaking up? Not really. There are things I miss and I will probably always miss, and things I did I wish I didn't...but otherwise, I think we both turned out just fine.
It makes me happy to see that he has his own life, and I am quite happy with my own. He will always have a big space in my heart, probably big enough that anyone else I've been with so far has never completely filled. The more I dated, the bigger his existence was in me. The more I tried to deny my feelings, the more I locked myself away and mourned.
I'm still mourning.
I guess this is really what it's like to love a person. You cannot entirely erase their existence in your heart. There's always a special place where they will always stay. My feelings kept lingering on the way things were, because I know for a fact that it can never be like how things were.
It's been 10 years and I really wanted to move on. It's been so long since I've tried to regain this flame back, and he was gracious enough to let me try. Three time's a charm, they say--or so they said. The third time was him flat out denying me of the love I wanted from him.
God knows how much I cried and how much I've mourned, and how long I've been mourning. I guess I have to accept the fact that moving on is not as easy as the self-help books and what my friends say. I may act so nonchalantly about all this, but deep down there's always that persistent hurt that creeps up on me whenever I have time alone like this. God knows how many notes I've written and where those notes are right now. I don't even know why I keep writing...maybe I am secretly hoping that someone might find this and save me from this never ending spiral.
If in case I knew that he was going to be gone from me forever, I think I will break. Finally. As things are right now, I'm barely holding it together. I don't know how I would be if I finally break. I'm afraid to find out. I'm spending so much time and energy in trying to make a better version of myself to keep myself from breaking, I guess...but I just know that it will come. I just hope I can salvage as much parts of myself as I can.
For now, I'm still waiting. For what, I don't exactly know. I don't know if I will ever be able to break free from these chains...or if I have the strength to break free from them. For now, I still dream of him every night, and just wishing that things will be better.
